Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Who Am I?


I have a lot of things sorted in my life. First, I am biologically a woman. Second, I sound like a woman, and have a majority of interests that a woman is “supposed” to. Third, I have black hair, and big eyes which I like to dress with kohl.

Fortunately or unfortunately, that is pretty much it. Those are the only parts that are sorted out for me. I have so many sides to myself, that I am clueless. I do not know which one is real and which is just a façade. As a matter of fact, I am not sure if there is a façade at all.

Every now and then I go into a mode of complete panic. I frantically look for a trace of my true self or answers, but find absolutely nothing. I deconstruct my actions, and again, nothing.
At times, I wonder if it is futile, this desperate need to find oneself. Do I really need to have a concrete classification of who I really am? Or is it something I want to have, to soothe the anxiety that uncertainty has given birth to?

Who am I?
Am I the one who loves to swear loudly or the one who gets self-conscious when someone else does? I do not know. Am I the one who wants to stay at home immersed in a life of her own or the one who wants to socialize like there is no tomorrow? I have no idea. Am I the one who wants to say that I am fat and not care or the one who wishes to give in and lose weight? The doubt haunts me. Am I someone who wants to embrace her ambitiousness or live an amiable serene life? No, I do not know. Am I the one who wants to rebel or the one who wishes to obey? It is unknown to me. Am I the one who wants to break free or be the one who cherishes the conventional? I guess, I would never know.

I do not know if I am the only one who faces this conflict or if everyone else does too. Am I multidimensional or am I just a chaotic person? I seek answers, but I am scared that the truth might not please me. The transition from the oblivion to the known seems a little too scary. However, I do want to know. Who am I?

There are moments where I want to be the person who does not care but then again I end up caring a little too much. I wish to run away and not look back but then I want to turn around to see everything I would leave behind.

Maybe we are supposed to be this way, a little confused, a little lost. Maybe we are not supposed to know everything. Perhaps, we are meant to be a paradox and rediscover ourselves every day. Change is constant, that is no secret. But how ready are we to accept change?

Tell me, do you lie down at night to go through every phase you lived through? Do you separate pieces of yourself to compose a new you?

I am not sure if having these thoughts is normal. Still, if you too let your mind wander over these questions, just remember you are not alone. I cannot tell you it is all right. Yet, I can assure you, that you are not alone, because every day, every minute someone is trying to figure who they really are.

This piece is ambiguous, I know. Our life is full of obscurity, I know. The beauty of it all, chances are, is in the improbability.

Abha Mehra

Abha tries to survive days with fried food with cheese. You'll find her bossing around or in a corner trying to make sense of all the words that come not so naturally to her. Be it taking naps in the afternoon or a free pizza, she is ready for both all the time. If you like what she writes, feel free to gift her jhhumkas over peach iced tea.