The Decisions You Make and Unmake: Life of a Passive Person has been edited by Rushi Bhimani.
This article is a first person account of a passive person.
Why do we live in a world where we need to constantly be multi faceted? Is it because we are scared of the fact that the world is judgmental? Or is it the mere possibility of the world being judgmental that scares us? We spend half our lives worrying about the very daunting “What if?”.
Actually, I am not very different either. Yes, I do not think about the “what ifs” of life very often. However, what I really wonder about is, why have we made our lives all about pleasing acquaintances? Why do our decision–big or small—revolve around the people whom we barely know?
When I was planning to leave engineering, the only factor that left me hesitant were the expectations of people other than me. What would my parents say? How will the world see me? Won’t I be seen as a loser in front of everyone? I want to question myself and people alike, that why do we become so compliant in regards to the societal expectation? I know, they are not going to provide me any sort of assurance, that I will get a good job, even if I complete engineering with exceptional grades and knowledge.
Despite the things I know and contemplate over, I succumb to being passive. I have always faced the problem of dual personality. One of my personalities—where my conscience comes in—tends to suggest that, ‘be who you are, come what may.’ Whilst, the other—primarily my alter ego—forces me to put the world above my conscience and raises uncomfortable questions like, ‘what if the world does not like for who you are?’
Nevertheless, in the end I lose to my alter ego. This brings out sides of me that dominate my being. It makes me submissive and meek. It leaves an unpleasant emotion, which I believe is fear. The fear of not living up to the mark to the ideas and expectations people hold. My conscience always asks me that, why do I need to live according to the world? To which, very conveniently, my alter ego replies, that it is the predefined law of nature.
How can it be the law? How can one expect me to live, if suffocating inside, while wearing a smile on my face? Sadly, I live by extinguishing the flame of questions, that ignites in my head every now and then. I live, while dying at every single point. I fear losing out on best years of my life. For that my conscience tells me, that it is okay to lose a thousand times than to die a thousand times.
It is confusing to live like this.
One night, I tried to make peace with my alter ego and it suggested me to be passive and obedient only with people close to me. I tried doing that and it got more complicated. The fear of missing out and being taken for granted, started to set in. I started doubting my relations. How do I get out of it? I was extremely clueless. By the end of the day, I was tired.
The realization set in, that I was heading towards self-destruction.
There came a point, where I had no idea that, who is to be blamed or to be confided into. Thus, I rounded back to my alter ego. I yelled, I cried, I begged; kept on repeating this is not who I am. I cannot live like this. It just said, do what you like, and regardless of my success or failure, it promised to help me out. In all honesty, the road of being true to oneself is less travelled. With complete knowledge of the impending obstacles, I started out on that path. I knew if decided to go ahead, in addition to the risks, I could not blame anyone.
I decided to do it, as I thought that anything is better than killing myself. Today, I am still travelling that path; I have not succeeded. Furthermore, I am even not sure whether I will complete it or not. I am still an engineering student, but the matter of fact is, that I am happy. On taking this path, I experienced the beauty of life, I found love, I realized fear is temporary and how to be a creator of opportunities.
It does not really matter whether you failed or not, what matters is the decision you make.
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