Store Full of Stories: Suicide Note – The Agonising End

Store Full of Stories: Suicide Note – The Agonising End

Suicide Note – The Agonising End has been edited by the Rushi Bhimani.

 It was like any other Sunday, yet there was something very unsettling about it. While sipping his special Sunday tea, Shyam read about a teenager’s suicide in the newspaper. It rattled and compelled him to think why someone would want to go through the pain of killing oneself. Could life actually be so unbearable for someone? The ringing cell phone interrupted his chain of thought. He answered the call and recognised the voice he had heard a million times before. It was his younger brother Jigar’s friend Raj.
His voice was quivering with disbelief,
“Hello, Shyam bhaiya, could you please…please come down to Delhi as soon as possible? It is an emergency!”
Why do you sound so terrified, is everything alright?
Bhaiya…Jigar”Raj stuttered and he finally said it, “Jigar committed suicide.”
Shyam’s insides went painfully numb. The silence was deafening. It was impossible for him to come to terms with it. Reluctant, he picked up his wallet and boarded the first train to Delhi. It felt like the longest and the most excruciating journey. And it got difficult with every passing minute. Every time he closed his eyes, it felt as if someone was strangling him, yet death remained elusive.
As soon as he got out of the station, amidst bargaining travellers, he caught a cab. Today, he could not care about the loot price and rushed to the hospital where Raj was waiting for him. Shyam was still torn apart between the chaos in his head and the reality. Without processing anything, he finished all the formalities. But it all got real for him when they guided him to the morgue. He saw his baby brother lying there, cold, still and lifeless. He seemed pale in contrast with the stark white sheet. Helplessly, his gaze hovered over the bandaged wrists, brown now, concealing the cuts that took his brother away.
It maddened Shyam, that he could not point a finger behind the cause. He could not stop thinking about what forced such a situation. He remembered how optimistic his brother was when he set out for his education. Everything became hazy as he finally let out the uncontrollable tears. Raj, even though devastated, was the pillar of support. They sat in the waiting room until all the reports came in. 
While waiting, Shyam started thinking about the last time he came to Delhi.
He remembered how excited Jigar usually was while talking about college. He would go on and on about his professors and subjects and cultural festivals. Yet, a few months in, things started changing. Shyam could sense some resentment in his voice, in their increasingly shorter conversations. Jigar hardly discussed the ongoing events in his life. Worried, Shyam asked him if something was wrong. Jigar refused, but Shyam’s intuition said otherwise.
One day, he received a call from Jigar, I cannot stay here anymore, help me, please!”
“Jigar? Hello? Is everything okay?”
Exasperated, Shyam tried calling him back many times but there was no response. He tossed and turned all night, but could not sleep. To make it worse, the worst thoughts haunted him. He was running out of patience and could not want to wait for Jigar to revert.
So, he went to Delhi to check up on him the very next day. As he landed he head straight to his college. After roaming around for twenty minutes, he spotted Jigar. He was sitting alone in a corner of a secluded campus lawn.
With eyes shut tight Jigar blabbered, “I am sorry, I will do whatever you want. Please do not hurt me!
“What? Jigar, it is me. Shyam. What is it?”
His elder brother’s presence shook him out of the trance. This ever joyous kid had bloodshot eyes and was white as a ghost. However, his brother’s presence calmed him. He got up and embraced him in a tight hug.
“What is it? What’s wrong? What has been up with you? Are you okay?”, asked Shyam with words dripping tone of urgency.
Jigar tightened his grip and started sobbing. He regained his composure after a few minutes and said,
“Bhai, take me away. I cannot stay here.”
“But what happened?”
Jigar finally mustered up courage and shared all he had gone through…
“A day after moving into our hostel, a few seniors ragged us. They asked our names and then commanded us to sing and dance. But it did not seem like a very big deal. However, as days passed their nuisance only increased. They made us do all sorts of shit!  Not only did they force us to complete their assignments but also made us wash their clothes and buy food with our money. It was still okay, but then one evening they got drunk and made things worse. They asked us to strip. One of my friends refused and they punched him, until unconscious. They even forced us to masturbate—”
Shocked, Shyam cut him mid-sentence. As a matter of fact, he was even more agitated that his brother chose not to reveal all of this and kept suffering all by himself. 
Jigar was terrified but tried to remain logical. He said, “Bhai I did not want you to get worried about me. Quite rightly so, you would have asked me to register a complaint with our Dean. In addition to everything, they outright threatened us, that we would be in trouble if we little as thinking about filing a formal complaint. I could no longer take the torture and that is why called you last night. But when I was about to tell you everything, a few senior barged into my room and snatched my phone. I think, even they got a little scared. They did not leave the room all night so I could not contact you again.”
Shyam could no longer control his rage. He had heard enough. He decided to complain to the authorities.
“But Bhai! exclaimed Jigar.
“I am with you, don’t worry!”
Shyam’s decision turned out to be right as the authorities suspended those students as soon as the stepped out of the cabin. For the next few weeks, all seemed well. Shyam realised this from their routine conversations.
‘What could have happened that Jigar had to take such a drastic step. He seemed happy again.’, Shyam thought to himself.
Raj approached Shyam and pulled out something from his bag
“Bhaiya, I just found this letter in my bag. And I think this is his…”
He was interrupted as Shyam completed his sentence, “…suicide note? Give it to me.”
Wiping off his tears Shyam began to read, “Bhai, I am really sorry for what I am going to do. I do not have the strength to take it anymore or to fight back. It all started again, post their suspension. They approached me while I was on my way back to the hostel. They apologised profusely for their behaviour and to make up for whatever had happened, they asked me to have a drink with them. I politely refused, but they kept on insisting. Thinking it was a genuine request, I accepted.
It was very naive of me. I should have known that they are ruthless bullies and will always be. They drove around for a while and stopped in the middle of nowhere. It was as isolated as it gets. And as soon as I started asking questions, they threw me out of the car and started beating me. I tried to fight back but they easily overpowered me. The pain was getting unbearable. They crossed all the lines as they lit a cigarette and shoved it up my butt hole. I screamed and begged but it all fell on deaf ears. Just for the thrill of it, they smashed bottles on my bare skin. When they were done, they picked me up like a piece of garbage and tossed me in my room when the guards were sleeping.
Bhai, I have lost all will to live, let alone be a great doctor. I cannot handle this anymore. My mind refuses to forget those sadistic faces that only smiled while I wailed in pain. It has become impossible to sleep these days, you know, bhaiya? My reality has become a nightmare in itself. There seems no other escape. No matter what the world says, I know you will feel I am not a coward. I tried my best. Maybe, I just need to close my eyes for a while.    
I am Sorry, bhaiya.”
Shyam felt abandoned, a part of him was snatched away viciously. Guilt ate him up, he failed to protect his brother who was all he had. Folding up the suicide note he walked outside and started in futility to search for his baby brother’s presence.

To read more by the writer of Suicide Note – The Agonising End click here.

Kinjal Patel

Kinjal Patel - A proud introvert, but my words on paper never let me fail, to express out. My simplicity can sometimes be at its best