Sex as a Coping Mechanism

Sex as a Coping Mechanism

Sex as a Coping Mechanism  has been edited by Abha Mehra.

In the earlier times—perhaps, three decades ago—life was pretty simple and straightforward when it came to relationships. You were friends first and then if the families granted a mutual consent, marriage was the way ahead. Seemed to work out for all eternity leading up to our parents’ times. However when came Gen-x or the much dreaded Kalyug, things changed drastically.

Dating is a routine now. Flings, definitely the new black. Live in relationships have become the ordeal. Almost all of us have grown up reading a few classic romantic stories; man and woman fall in love, have issues, solve those and then live happily ever after. I am assuming they had sex after falling in love. Weirdly though, sex has gone on to lose the love, that was once a part of the whole scene.

No, I am not complaining. But what bothers me is the fact it isn’t even about lust anymore. Sure, orgasms trump all. It just feels like sex has turned into a trade, I daresay. Guy meets girl. He’s coming out of a relationship. She’s just ended a long distance relationship with that cheating ex. Both of them need a release. They’re struggling to find an escape. There is void, but how could they possibly fill it? How do they let that emptiness not get to them? Is there a way to numb the unbearable pain? How do they bring themselves to peace when they’re too drained to invest emotionally? All they’re looking for is a place to vent it all out.

They find all their answers in sex; an easy, quick and rather instantaneous outlet.  Momentarily…just momentarily things blur out. Their ex’s favourite song isn’t playing that loudly in their head anymore. The buzz from those innumerable drinks helps a little more. Those few hours are Utopian of sorts.But as the day starts to begun and the alcohol seems to wear off, it all hits back. Real hard.

And that is how it becomes a regular escape. The night did end, but the feeling of losing yourself amidst those synchronized humping sessions stayed. So as the night falls again, they go out. Looking for something familiar, with someone unfamiliar. And in an age where you can hook up with a person with just a right swipe on apps like Tinder or chat rooms where ASL is all they ask for, getting lost isn’t that hard anymore.

It seems like a drug after a point, unhealthy but so bloody necessary. That influx of physical satisfaction mellows down the emotion dissatisfaction. The sense of right and wrong doesn’t seem to matter. Now, I would like to clarify that I am talking strictly about people who use sex as an escape. Not the ones who love to have sex every now and then out of sheer lust and well, because sex.

Having said that, a question pops to mind: has sex lost it’s importance of being a special? It’s something worth thinking about. Hooking up is this ‘cool’ thing to do. Men brag about it and women are barely ever denied sex when they need it. Works out for both parties. However if you dig in a little deeper, you’ll find the real reason as to why we’re using sex as the temporary solution to our bigger problems in life.

Sex makes us forget about how insecure we really might be.

Sex increases our sense of self worth and achievement. We treat it as a conquest and every time we succeed, it just makes us feel a little bit better about ourselves. I read this quote of sorts somewhere that said ‘orgasms are nice but revolutions are better’. Sex is easy. Making a relationship last takes commitment and more often than not, we just can’t commit to it. We’re too afraid to let go and end up treating sex as a coping mechanism for our shortcomings.

Some will argue that sex wasn’t ever meant to be about feelings but was supposed to be completely physical. Yes, Maslow did state it is extremely important. It was something that all of us needed from time to time. It is just the act of a two beings ‘exploring each other’s bodies’. To that I say that yes, you’re right. However, you’re just partly correct.

Sex was, is and always will be about feelings. No matter how hard we try to ignore this fact, it isn’t going away. That initial feeling when she undressed slowly. The sudden rush of emotion when he lifted you up in the middle of sex. The feeling of satisfaction when you both climax at the same time…don’t tell me it’s just something that you do thrice a week and the pleasure is as heightened as the one I described.

Sex is now being used as a coping mechanism for our other emotional shortcomings more than ever. It’s all psychological and  we are trying to mend it physically. It really is a major screw up. It’s up to us how we react to it: continue making merry the same way as we’re doing now or actually get some courage to face our problems heads on and maybe give ourselves some time and love to heal.


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Sanchit Verma

Live my life with one motto: if an opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.