Nothing was right. Nothing was clear. Unpredictability was the only constant. I felt the necessity to rethink some decisions that I’ve made. I’m so sick of torturing myself; thinking about what could have been. Regretting my decisions; right and wrong, and thinking about where I went wrong if I ever did.
I find myself at crossroads more often than I’d like. Mostly, the roads are not that radical, and my choices would not define what I am to become. Now and then, I face contrasting routes, decisions that are in no manner parallel to one another, and it is then that I have to ask myself the ultimate question, “Does it matter enough?”
Buried in emotions and feelings, I often lose track of what is important. It is not just about what brings you happiness right now, what gives an impetus to excitement but whether it has the capability to last. We’ve got to be thinking about consequences, repercussions, and a whole bunch of presently avoidable ideas because if we do not, we are going to regret it.
What I have come to understand after these few years on planet Earth is that the majority of decisions we, as individuals need to take are not black and white. They are as grey as grey could be and that is what scares us the most. The opacity and disparity between thought and reality keep me awake all night sometimes. There were so many roads I refused to tread upon because fog covered them. There were so many opportunities I said, “no” to because they failed the grey test of “does it matter, enough?” I have grown to regret most of them. I am at the head of two diverging paths, and I do not want to walk ahead only to experience disappointment. So, here, today, and now, I will decide if you matter.
Theory: Matter is anything that occupies space and possesses mass.
Observation: Yes, you occupy space in my mind, heart, soul, brain, and in every cell of my skin.
God, the thought of you has the capability of sinking my heart, breaking me down and crushing my soul. The prospect of you having mass is unquestionable, but I still want to deny it.
Conclusion: You matter.
Do you matter enough?
Enough that I take this road for you?
Enough that I risk it all again?
Result: You don’t matter enough.
Ruminating Over Regrets has been edited by Ruhaan Shah