Words and Voices: Not Okay

Words and Voices: Not Okay

Not Okay

by Achint Chhabra

There are days when I feel
like the happiest person alive,
there are days when I just want to
cry and scream and shout,
and then there are days when
I just want to shut everyone
out and be alone.

No, I am not okay,
No, I am not fine,
even though I pretend to be.
every day, every morning
I try to put up a good front,
wake up teary eyed,
trying to hide those tears
of last night with smiles
and pretending, just pretending
to be happy.

I have a void,
an emptiness inside me,
which kills me,
breaks me,
shakes me
and I am helpless
not able to do anything
about it.

I feel lonely even
in a room full of people.
I feel sad even in the happiest
of days.
There is a part of
me that just wants
to be let out, become free
and then there is
a part of me that just
wants to be shrivelled up
inside me and never come out,
never show itself to people
because it is ugly
and people don’t appreciate
ugly, which is ironic
because life itself is ugly,
it is not a bed of roses
and it is never going to be.

The reality scares me,
and I just want to escape it,
run away from me
but wherever I go,
I know it’s gonna
chase me, keep running
behind me till
I am tired, out of breath
and can’t run anymore,
which kills me,
because I was never okay
and maybe I am never going to be.

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