I know how you would have felt when I used to curse you for every silly and immature decision you made that screwed my later life. But now when I actually connect the dots it all makes sense. I used to get so frustrated when I had to face consequences because of your poor judgement. You made irreversible mistakes for which there were no compensation. And how I had to made amends for all your drunken calls and fights. Because of you I have to carry so much of baggage filled with issues which are difficult to overcome now.
I used to wonder how a human is capable of making so many blunders in a single life. I still remember you berating yourself in front of the mirror and punishing yourself with starvation diets and then suddenly stuffing your feelings with food. Crying yet eating a tub of ice-cream or mending your broken heart by enjoying a whole pizza by yourself. Downright stupid, isn’t it?
Those sleepless nights where you would sob digging your face under the pillow for he has not texted you back or simply staring the ceiling thinking about nothing. It was naive of you trying so hard to adjust into the wrapped perception of beauty which society had feed you with. I could envisage the fear in your eyes of becoming a “nobody”. But little did you know that few years from there; this all will suddenly stop mattering.
I know you’ve made you share of mistakes but somewhere I’m proud of you. Those niggling mistakes and poor decisions have made me stronger in the course of time. I’m who I’m because of you, stumbling and failing yet getting up and fighting. Your spirit of never giving up on yourself has made me walk through this journey with immense strength.
So thank you kiddo for teaching me that I don’t need to convince and fit into someone else’s definition of being good enough for them. That I’m wasting my precious time pondering around the hollow streets in search of happiness. Because it’s within me. That I should embrace my individuality. Not everyone has to fit into the stereotyped boxes.
Much Much love,
Your older self!