Giving Up On Never Giving Up has been edited by Pratichi Sadavrati.
Do you hear the voices? Do you see the young and old, the hopeful and the hopeless, the eager looking to the future and the wistful looking to the past? Somewhere between these two, is me. I do not know if there are others out there but I hope there are more. I have got so much hope, so much optimism, I truly believe that anything is possible and that the world is full of things that none of us can even imagine. Taken in its entirety, the world is more than what anyone can handle and it is too much to fill every jiffy of an entire lifetime and more. When I look around myself, I see a hundred possibilities; I see beauty in every crack and corner, and success in every old man with a smile.
I was ambitious and there was so much I wanted to do, could do – can do. But in spite of everything, there is that one question – What if it goes wrong?
That stops me mid-sentence. Just as I can imagine all the wondrous possibilities and beauty, I can also imagine all the things that will happen if ‘it’ – anything – goes wrong. People will lose faith in me, I will find out that I am actually not built for it. My family will realise that they thought wrong of me the whole time, my parents will finally realise that the huge money and time they invested was indeed a waste. My boyfriend will break up with me, my friends will realise I am not as good as them and I will lose them all because they are out of my league and only remain friends with those who pity me.
People will say, “Oh she was doing so well, what happened then?” or “Ah! she could not do it after all!” I will be completely broke and will have to live on the streets. I will die in poverty. All the hard work my parents put in will be for nothing and I will drive the family into the ground. We will have to start all over from penury, I will have to beg relatives for jobs. I will become everyone’s ‘sympathy case’, I will find out that my idea that I am intelligent or capable or kind or able are all massive delusions in my mind.
It is a slippery slope and every day, I slide down it and then crawl back up. The most forward movement is to never go anywhere. And meanwhile, time is on its own slide.
I always thought I would be one of those who never gave up, became rich and famous and die in glory and surrounded by love. But what if I gave up? Who is to know?
Meanwhile, as I am having this conversation in my mind, time is slipping by.
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