At Times, I Crave for Love more than Respect has been edited by Akash Kanodia.
We humans, at some stage in our lives, look up to someone. It might be our father, mother, some celebrity, a friend, a random stranger, or maybe even a chai-wala. It does not really matter that who that person is, as long as we get the motivation or support that we need.
I, in my life, have always looked up to Ayn Rand, and I say it with pride that my articles are, at times, a tribute to her philosophy. However, the question here is, what does a person feel when he or she sees that there is someone who looks up to them as an individual?
A lot of questions do come to me when someone looks up to me. Do I really deserve that? Have I given justice to what I did? Is my life really that sorted out? These are merely a few of the many, many questions that toss around in my head. I feel scared when I see people who respect me and think of me as a person with admirable values.
At times, I hate the idea of respecting and looking up to people. I feel tired and actually worthless at times. But when I try to express it, they ask me how I could have a problem, when people go to great lengths for getting respect the way I do. They ask me why I do not value it.
How do I explain to all these people that I do not want this respect? A part of me craves for love, the kind of love where I will be loved for my principles, instead of respected. A part of me screams and dies inside when I see I am not the person that they are respecting.
All this while, people know me for the kind of work I do. All this while, I have been known for the philosophy and principles I preach. However, at the end of the day, I am a normal human being. A human being who feels like he is back home after a day of practising things that he writes about.
Often, I feel like I am failing, when people look up to me for the kind of articles I write. I feel like a loser, and a part of my identity blames me for being a hypocrite. I feel like I might not be living up to the expectations of the people, the people who look up to me. And I have felt this way for so long now, I have developed a fear of expectation. With every passing day, I am losing my confidence. I am afraid of seeing the real me.
When someone shares their problem with me and looks for any sort of help, now, I hesitate a little to help them. I hesitate to try and solve their problem. Of what use is the respect I get, if I know I might not be able to do justice to it? I am not trying to show any negative aspects of an individual respecting someone. This is just how I feel, from the perspective of an individual or a mentor, when my mind is messed up.
When I look back to the lives that I touched, I feel good. On the other hand, a part of me always craves respect more than love. The only reason is that, at times, I feel broken like you. At times I just feel lost. Nevertheless, this is how life goes on.
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