Articles that made me and broke me altogether: A Lost Soul has been edited by Abha Mehra.
As a writer, I always feel that one cannot write about things that they do not feel themselves. Whenever I pen down my thoughts, I make sure that the world I write about, is the world I live in. The world where thoughts govern my mind. But, I am perplexed because where do I stop? There is a very thin line, that divides the ideal world I paint in my articles from the flawed one I live in. And that line seems to be blurring now, and I am worried that I might lose my identity when I cross it.
I look up to the person I portray in my thoughts. I look up to my alter ego because he is my best friend. He made me believe that I need to set off on the journey of being an ideal person. However, I fail to differentiate between the principles I follow and the ones I write about.
When I write about my theories on being an ideal person, there is a part of me that always screams inside. Screaming because of the burden of being that person; screaming because on some level it does not want to be that person. It shouts for help every night when I look back to the person I used to be. I had clarity, I could differentiate between the world of words and mine, I was me. What if I cannot go back? What if, in my quest to become the ideal man, I have lost sight of who I am? On the other hand, I also fear that I may not be able to follow what I preach.
A relentless conflict, poses itself in front of me every second, every day. The conflict, that is it actually necessary? There are a lot of things running in my mind, and I do not know where they start and where they end. A tornado of thoughts has swept off the distilled ones I once bore. Leaving me and my lost soul in a state of mess.
There was a time when I was one those people who had a sorted life. Today, when I see myself, I wonder if I am half as sorted as the person writing these articles appears to be. Do I have enough strength to face the world, to withstand the theories that I put forward?
When I look at my face in the mirror every morning, I see scars, the ones invisible to the world. Increasing one by one, every day. Why are they here? My conscience tells me that it is because I want to be friends with my alter ego. Whereas my alter ego tells me it that it is because I want to be an ideal person. This argument, and confusion makes my lost soul hollow, and my mind blank.
To avoid such conflicts, I deviated from philosophy. I started writing on travel, love and things like euthanasia, taboos in our society. However, that made me question myself again. Am I doing justice to my work? I consider working my religion, and philosophy, my God. How can I run away from it? How can I change my religion? These questions led me back to square one.
Thus, I started with philosophy again, writing about being the master of your own thoughts. But did I lead my life as a creator, or did I just live? Was I mediocre? My conscience tried to tell me I am a normal human being. That to be an ideal person is not an easy task. On the other hand, my alter ego called me a loser because I accepted that I could never be the perfect man.
If today someone asks me what I feel, I would say I feel being ideal is necessary. It is important for me to become the best person I can. I feel like a loser, because neither can I do justice to what I write nor am I able to follow my own philosophies. Have I given up on my conscience? Did I lose to my alter ego?
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