Amidst Failure and Realisation has been edited by Rushi Bhimani.
The year is about to end. Saying that I realized when and where these past eleven months disappeared, would be a lie.
A lot has changed, obviously. However, what I witnessed is that at times, to be a better version of me, I started deviating to being someone else; someone who was not entirely me. I saw sides of me, which I did not know existed.
I played a hand in fields I never thought I would.
Change is constant. Funnily enough, no one warned me that in this inevitable journey of change, I would start losing bits and pieces of myself.
I saw failures and heartaches I had never beheld before. I learned to handle myself because no one else really can. The consciousness that not everyone, even the people closest to me, will be there with me on the same page. Not always at least.
So I can say this year was about being able to accept me. It was beginning of a much-needed journey of independence. It was about recognizing the fact that at times no matter how much people try, I would not find comfort in their words or hugs. At the end of it all, I will be holding on to myself like no one else would, and that realization is worth all the sleepless nights spent pondering.
Honestly, life became a little easier when this realization settled in. I became a little more empathetic, a little more open to bonding with unfamiliar people. The fear of being unaccepted started to fade away with every day of contemplation, because if I knew I was on my own, so were all those out there judging. I learned how to pick myself up and dust off the remains of unexpected failures. Crying and having an opinion is absolutely fine, is something that I learned after twenty-one years of suppressing plethora of emotions. I learned to agree to disagree. Frankly, I do not know if I found a way to live life or mustered up the courage to get a little lost. But this feeling, it soothes me when the chaos inside my head blocks logic and intuitions.
This year definitely did not turn out the way I wanted it to. It was barely there, actually. Yet, I am glad…glad to have learned things I haven’t in years. Thankful, that after all this time I finally can put my faith in myself rather than shouldering it on others. Grateful, that even though there were days where facing the world seemed to perturb, I did it anyway.
I learned to cope with intense love and unbearable loss. Plans do not always work out, was a pleasant awakening. I do not have words to do justice to each and every moment that made me who I am today, at this very moment.
So, here I am, attempting to sum up a roller coaster ride. A journey, which made me sick to my gut yet elevated me like no other. Here I am, hoping. Hoping you would look back too, willing to hold on to a few things, and let go of some.
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