A Creature Named Anxiety
by Aarti Motiani
A creature called A
I hear the sound of the fan
That creaks while it is 3 AM.
It hits my ears
And then it comes,
It, who? I don’t know.
It comes to me and tells me
How dull was the day and how dark is the night
How my boyfriend could be cheating
And how my mother could throw me out of the house,
And I, I would be begging for letting me in
Stop, I say and it goes away like it never came.
And in the next 33rd part of the minute, it comes again
It comes again to tell me, how sad I am.
And I’ll be sadder tomorrow
A creature called N
And as the night passes,
It comes closer to me and shouts
Shouts and tells me how it is to feel the pain,
And that it is the only one that can give me happiness, and that I shouldn’t run away
It tells me how it is to love the person who doesn’t love me back
How it is to feel insecure about the ones you love
How it is to crave, crave for nothing but love.
It takes me through the ride of lugubriousness and reminds of the things that never actually happened.
It makes sure I believe in things like these shall happen in the future too.
A creature named X
It comes to me like the good part, calms me down and reminds of the happiness
Tells me to shout and shout until all the others run away
Scream, and scream
It comes to me and reminds me of the beautiful memories.
With him, and her
And that all the answers lie within me
It feeds me with wisdom and changes my mind.
Now it calmed down.
And so I
Scream and scream
A creature called me
It makes me run around the house and lets me make the worst of my decisions
It has the power to nullify my thinking abilities and just reminds me of what I want.
It encourages my ego to rule
I fall and then it also makes me rise to do what I want, again.
Fall and rise
It hits my fingers and they begin to tremble
Tremble because my consciousness fights with it for it is wrong
But it won’t stop
It will make me do what I want
I may fall or rise
A creature called E
It tells me to run away from all that is happening and sleep,
Because nothing helps, not a thing.
I turn towards the right, and then the left
But all the others keep me up,
Haunting me like nightmares,
That I see with closed eyes
I try and try
The other one’s name is T
It makes all of the others stay
And eats away all the energy
Left with me
Makes me feel like the weakest person existing and doesn’t leave.
Not for a second
I say go but it echoes stay
I lose myself and sit to cry
Because there’s no option.
I shout more and more
Go, but all I here is stay
Not to forget the last one, the Y
This one makes me hate myself
And makes me believe I shouldn’t exist
And that I am misfit
I should die and not live
But the hope in me says live
But no, yuckily is powerful. Very.
It doesn’t hold, it keeps doing its work
And makes me surrender.
Makes me surrender to all of them.
The A, N, X, I, E, T, Y and hence I am chained every fucking night to all the seven of them.
That work as a team, which the common people may call Anxiety.
Anxiety that has killed me already.